A Different Kind Of Medicine

And she's back... again.

2008-12-18T09:27:00.002+09:00

Hi all. It has been forever since I have written here.
Straight up I have been in depressions and manias cycling rapidly. Mix that with the most intense alcoholic binge I have ever been on and an unhealthy addiction to the virtual world and you've got yourself a real fine mess. ie Me.
I feel the need to write because I have been hiding. In this dark hidden realm mostly played out in my fast traveling head, but ultimately affecting my home and my health in the most negative ways.
So here I am. Fessing up to myself in blogginess, on the first fews days of sanity I have had in a long time. I have been so far gone. My feet have been swollen from drinking... they are down and feeling normal for the first time in months. I should be getting some help, but as usual have this ridiculous fear of seeking it.
But I am being brave. Being gentle. Recovering on so many levels.Working on forgiving myself for a lot of fucked up shit.
It's Christmas time again. A hard time for me. But this year, my focus is on maintaining some level of sanity, of calm... of good health.
This Christmas, I want to feel alive.
Peace.

Ooooh, and one more thing!

2008-08-27T14:48:00.000+08:00

I have taken up bellydance. Fucking fantastic.
I LOVE IT!!!
:-)))
Peace.
xxx

Long time no write...

2008-08-27T14:35:00.002+08:00

Hi People,
I haven't written for a while. Things have been pretty good really. Nothing too crazy or 'eventful' has happened. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but not anything of note. FANTASTIC! No episodes. Yay! LOL.
I have thrown myself into learning some new techniques and styles of digital art. I am creating in 3D! Something I never thought I would get my poor lil ole brain around. It is extremely satisfying to my knowledge hungry self.
It is amazing how therapeutic the focus of creativity can be.
I hardly know myself... I have found something that satisfies both the manic and the depressed in me. Colour and light, abstract and not, I have found just the right outlet. The possibilities are as diverse as me.
Wow. I never thought it possible. I am drinking moderately, nothing too extreme. I am perhaps not doing as much housework as I should, lol, but I am feeling better than I have in a long time. And that really is something.
Peace.
XOX

Thou doth protest too much...!

2008-08-09T10:17:00.002+08:00

Well, after a crazy last weekend, I have had a very different week. After clearly losing faith in the human race, (well some of it anyway- I must mention my gratitude for the support that has come my way also!) and having the need for distraction whilst drying out (A WEEK DRY! YAY!) I have resorted to devoting some time to finding my Second Life feet. And it has been helpful. I have managed to stay away from the booze without too much stress. Admittedly, I haven't been to the Doc's. I have a bit of a problem with actually getting to the Doc's office, have for years... much to dismay of my loved ones. I really hate Doctors. Perhaps in a delusional weird way, but it is rarely that I will actually get my ass into see one. I know I should. The thoyght has me chewing my cheeks out with anxiety.
Now, SL. Wow. There is something about SL that makes me feel certain that I have miraculously retained some of my innocence over the years. And that IS something.
I joined probably around a month ago, but have decided this week to spend some time exploring and developing my avatar into some kind of 'defined' character.
Heh. In four days my avatar has evolved from a pixely thing that resembled and overgrown garden gnome, to a glamorous young woman with the world at her feet.
What amazes me is how helpful people have been! I have been given tons of gifts from people and heaps of advice... it is kind of refreshing.
The darker side of the place presented itself to me by way of an indecent yet profitable proposal last night. I laughed my ass off.
Being the real life addictive personality that I am, I have limited myself to a certain time limited session each evening, but am definately falling into a bit of a fascination with the whole idea.
I'm not sure how I feel about this new hobby. All I can say is, it has been great distraction for me after some trauma, and I believe it has lifted me from a very lonely depression.
Hmmm. Perhaps I spoke to soon in previous posts about this?
Perhaps my instinctive wisdom about this was good guidance.
I guess it is what you make it.
I'm just grateful to have gotten through this week so well.
Peace.

Exposed....

2008-08-06T14:10:00.002+08:00

Well so much for kinda traveling ok. It has turned into unraveling kinda badly.
Great night on Saturday night... unexpected celebrations, karaoke (I FUCKING LOVE KARAOKE...) and of course drinking.
Sunday hung over and sleeping. Contentedness with a fun birthday celebration.
Monday- race day. Psychotic drunk... major episode. Bruises, damaged house, major attention brought upon my the worst of my nutsness. Triggered by an assalut on my love.
EXPOSURE> Nobody knew about my BP until now here. Fuck.
Tuesday, Wednesday- I can't turn the TV off because I can't deal with silence without bursting into tears. Heavy heavy depression. I am missing home so badly. I have stopped crying because I'm writing, amazing. Going to the doctor tomorrow to investigate possibilty of starting meds again.
I am just not clever enough to handle this myself.
Meltdown, big time.

it's my party...

2008-08-02T05:12:00.002+08:00

yep yep yep happy boidy to meee////\

i am fecking 36 today...

yyyyaaaayyyy

ffffff....mmm... ffff

Chant and be Happy...

2008-08-02T04:11:00.002+08:00

OK. It's my Birthday... my Solar Return.
But despite that... the music of the Hare krisna ppl makes me happy.
yes... it drives everyone around me mad, especially since I live very different values, but let us just say, chanting hare krisna, hare hare, etc etc makes me feel very peaceful...

Colours, shapes, therapy and ... the GIMP

2008-07-30T18:54:00.002+08:00

I am adding a new blog to my blogger account for images. I have been making a lot of them lately, so am going to put the best of them up for viewing.
Some are my own drawings, some are collages, some are just abstract expressions... all are me getting 'stuff' out and off my chest without words.

It'll appear in the next day or two.

Peace.

Green!

2008-07-30T14:55:00.001+08:00

Kermit the Frog said, "It's not that easy, being green...", but as the song progressed he discovered that green was so many wonderful things. I have to agree... I'm kinda liking this fresh look for my blog. It makes me want to go and buy fresh limes.
Peace.

Hmmm... it might be time for Purple to sleep for a while

2008-07-30T14:29:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure what this really means, but I am inspired to change my blog theme and colours etc. Purple doesn't seem to say what I want it to right now.
Problem is, I'm not sure where I'm going with this inspiration... or what hue might feel just right. Something totally frivolous for me to ponder.
I know it should be about the writing more than anything, but I really am a visual kind of creature. Colour is important to me.
Peace.

2008-07-30T00:54:00.003+08:00

Awards... I am amazed, and humbled that I have been given a blogging award by Terra Incognita. I feel a bit guilty, although not really, but the only three blogs I keep track of are as follows, and they are awarded my honors... all three inspire and uplift and help me each time I read them.

Bradley

Terra Incognita
and last but not least... in fact this Lady was my introduction to the concept of a blogging "community" and is gorgeous,
Bipolar Chica

All three have touched me with their honesty and beauty of spirit.

I am so grateful to have found them all...

KISSES AND HUGS TO ALL OF YOU! EARTH ANGELS NO LESS.

Finally... the song I spoke of is recorded!

2008-07-29T10:25:00.015+08:00

It's just a rough recording, but I think it's honest, so I really want to share.
Hope you enjoy... it's a bit kinda sad, but like I said, it's honest.

You can download and listen: Keep it if you like it.
It is called "I Wish That I Could Tell You."
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

The Lyrics:

What you see and what is real
Are not the same,
(You know) What really lies beneath
Is the truth and shame...
You know I wish that I could tell you
What's really going on,
I know it seems as though I'm here,
But I'm so far gone.. so far gone.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

Do you have a magic spell
That'll raise me from this hell...
Because I'm sinking,
And I'm fucking drinking again...
You know I wish that I could tell you
What's really going on,
I know it seems as though I'm here,
But I'm so far gone.. so far gone.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

And the next time that you see me smile,
Will you see that it's a veil?
And when I'm standing in the sunshine,
Will you see the rain and hail?
And when I run for the horizon
Will you see the cage I'm in?
I'm only hoping that I've got
the strength within me
To free myself again.

The girl you see isn't always me...

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

Am I What I Think I Am....?

2008-07-27T01:22:00.003+08:00

I am confused. I might be delusional. I might be insightful.
If I relied on the thoughts of others on this, I would be even more confused.
I know I have gifts. I also know I am fucked up and sometimes get it REALLY wrong.
I have been feeling kind of ok, but know that my ok is not an acceptable kind of ok for other folk who are in my life.
What is ok?
What is ok...?
Can I rely on my own assessment of ok..?
Can I trust myself at all...?
I should probaly see a doctor, but hate them so very much.
I wish I knew a bipolar doctor who got it.

Girt By Sea

2008-07-24T01:52:00.002+08:00

This is the Australian National Anthem...

"Australians all let us rejoice
For we are young and free
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea:
Our land abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare,
In history's page let every stage
Advance Australia fair,
In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance Australia fair.

Beneath our radiant Southern Cross,
We'll toil with hearts and hands,
To make this Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands,
For those who've come across the seas
We've boundless plains to share,
With courage let us all combine
To advance Australia fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia fair."

Girt by sea

By Allen Myers

A few weeks ago, I was reading some of Frederick Engels' correspondence and came across an interesting letter. Someone was compiling a book of labour movement songs and wrote to Engels asking his advice on songs to include.

Among other things, Engels suggested including a song about Schleswig-Holstein. Schleswig-Holstein was a region inhabited mainly by Germans but ruled by the Danish monarchy, and the struggle to unite Schleswig-Holstein with the rest of Germany was part of the German national movement of the mid-19th century.

The title of the song was “Schleswig-Holstein meerumschlungen”. Even without knowing any of the words, and without knowing the musical style -- it could have been anything from a march to a folk ballad to a forerunner of grunge -- you can see it would have been catchy: “Schleswig-Holstein meerumschlungen”.

What I find really interesting about this is not Schleswig-Holstein but that little word, “meerumschlungen”. What it means is “girt by sea”.

Now I have to make a brief digression here for the benefit of overseas readers, to explain to them about “girt by sea” and the Australian national anthem.

Okay, the Australian national anthem. Australia may be the only country in the world in which not a single resident can sing all the words of the national anthem from memory.

Not even the prime minister knows them all. If you had to be able to sing the whole thing from memory in order to stand for parliament, we'd have instant anarchy.

Australia has lately adopted the US custom of making everybody stand up and sing the national anthem before every sporting event. In the US, lots of people know the words, and they sing them.

But in Australia, people mostly look sheepish and mumble a bit. They have some famous performer out in the centre leading the singing, but it's really a recording and they're lip-synching because they don't know the words either.

But everyone in Australia knows one line from the national anthem: “our land is girt by sea”. So what people sing is usually something like “mumble mumble we have Timor's oil and too many royals AND OUR LAND IS GIRT BY SEA”.

Well, obviously it was a bit of a shock, even for a new chum, to discover that Schleswig-Holstein was girt by sea a good century before Australia was. But it occurred to me that we don't talk much about being girt by sea, aside from in the national anthem.

In fact, “girt” is not a word that gets much of a workout in our everyday speech. It's the past tense and past participle of “gird”, as in “gird your loins”. I'm really not very sure how one goes about girding one's loins, but it may have something to do with wrapping a lamb chop in foil before you cook it.

Now, it's true that Schleswig-Holstein is really only semi-girt by sea, because it's also girt by Denmark and northern Germany. But there are plenty of places besides Australia that are girt by sea.

Britain is girt by sea. Ireland is girt by sea. Sri Lanka and Japan and New Zealand are all as girt as you can get, but you don't see their people singing “Mumble mumble mumble Our land is girt by sea”.

Indonesia is sort of double-girt, because it's all islands. Hell, Antarctica is girt by sea, but you don't see penguins saluting and quacking “Our ice is girt by sea”.

And why is being girt by sea any better than being girt by something else? Okay, I know about the Sydney sewage outfalls, and it's not very cheering to sing “Our land is girt by sewage”.

But when you think about it, girtness is pretty common: just about every place and every thing is girt by something. Do you hear the Swiss singing “Our land is girt by Germany, France, Italy and Austria”? You don't. Or Iraqis: “Our land is girt by American bombers”. If I have a drink, my beer is girt by me.

It might seem a little surprising that in this age of globalisation, nobody is writing national anthems about global girtness. Why doesn't somebody write “Our planet is girt by space” -- which is mostly a lot of nothing, suggesting that we ought to act as if we're all in this one place together.

There are at least two ways of looking at the sea we're girt by -- and I don't mean according to how much sewage it contains.

In the past, Australians have tended to look at our sea-girtness as a sort of highway to the rest of the world.

In recent years it's been seen more as a barricade, an obstacle that's a handy way of keeping out people who are poorer than we are. I suppose this is why the Labor government selected a national anthem with “girt by sea” in it: to make us feel threatened by all the ungirt.

Spirituality, Feeling Lost, and My Brain...

2008-07-23T15:30:00.002+08:00

Something I haven't mentioned here yet is that I have a history of teaching. Would you believe spiritual teaching?!? Yes, it's true. I have been a student of mysticism and spiritualism since my very early teens, and once came a point in my life where I began to teach the things I had learned. I also did readings and some healing work.
Then came a time where my brain began to interfere with that work... I became extremely conscious of my history of episodes, alcoholic binges and general instability.
Truth is, they were becoming worse.
The irony is, even in the midst of madness, people were still coming to me for healing and guidance. I was a priestess, and despite my craziness, I was still trusted and admired for my work.
But I stopped. It all stopped. The dis-ease got the better of me, and I stopped trusting my own instincts, my own intuition... my own gifts.
There has been no improvement in the stability of my life. But I feel the stirrings within me that say "Meg, you should be doing the things that you are meant to do. This stagnancy and mistrust is stifling your growth."
I really am beginning to yearn for spiritual connections once again, and in reality, I am in an area where this kind of thing is greatly needed and sought after.
I feel it is time once more to start tuning in to those higher frequencies. That other world. It once gave me some comfort, some sense of meaning, a sense of place and purpose in this world.
Maybe it is time to wake up from this spiritual death. This state of merely existing. Perhaps if I begin doing the great work again, my own healing might fast track.
It is amazing and a bit silly, but when I am working with other people on this level, I feel able to 'forgive' myself for the BP dynamics in my life.
I see that others see something more in me than just the weirdness... and it feels right and good. Maybe it is time...
Peace.

Kindness... or stupidity...?

2008-07-22T02:23:00.003+08:00

Tonight, after having a few drinks, sitting watching TV, there was a knock at the door. 1.30am in the morning. A knock.
"Who's there?"
"Sandwich"
"Who...?!?"
"Sandwich"
"Who???!"
muffled something.
So I open the door.
There is an aboriginal man standing in front of me, saying "Sandwich please?".
I live in a place where there is a large indigenous community. A pretty dysfunctional community. Alcoholism, child abuse, domestic violence... not very nice.
And at 1.30 this morning, I had a man, standing at my door, asking for food.
Now, I have been advised to not "give 'em anything... the bastards."
Umm, dilemma with that.
I am a street musician, a busker. I relied on the kindness of strangers for more than fifteen years to pay my way. I am also an alcoholic, as the man at my door obviously was. He was even more drunk than me.
But my heart said, give him something. Help him.
So I did. I gave him some food, and then said, "Fucking look after yourself man! Don't be doing this shit... fucking take care of yourself!!!"
Have I been stupid? Have I opened a door that I really don't want opened...?
I know what it is like to have no food because drink comes first. I know alcohol can make an honest man a thief.
I'm just not sure i have been wise, but I hope I have done the right thing.
"Thank you Sister..." he said.
I hope he is grateful, and that I didn't open a can of worms that I'm not ready for. I hope I have followed my heart... and my heart does not betray me. Maybe it will. I just can't stand to think of the coldness of the world, and how it has felt for me, at times. Man... this is a crazy place. I just want to do right... by the people and by my home.
Peace.

The restless years...

2008-07-21T10:38:00.004+08:00

So I'm thinking, maybe I'm not bipolar... maybe I'm just having a really drawn out mid life crisis. Maybe I'm just broken. Too broken to fix. My 'symptoms' really didn't become so bad until I had hit my late twenties, and my first really bad episodes were early thirties.
Although I will say that as far back as 10 years old, I can recall what might have been warning signs, if anyone had been paying attention.
Truth for me personally, is that my BP really started firing up when I went through a nasty break up, family courts, and ultimately the loss of the custody of my children.
I was so devastated by the whole chain of events... including around two years prior to the split which were so difficult for me. I literally stopped functioning from that point onwards. It was then that I first sought medical help for my depression and confusion. 50 million doctors appointments later, I still haven't found a solution to this. I thought it would get better. It hasn't. It seems to be who I am now. Just something I must learn to live with.
Is it possible that one 'major' trigger can change a person's brain forever? Or was it there, dorment, just waiting to thrive in my misery?
What I notice is, in support groups I have been to, and here on the net, BP affected folks seem to be of similar ages... kinda thirty somethings and upwards.
I find myself wondering why. Why that age group? Is it the pressure of family and relationship stuff that finally frees the beast? Is there some chemical that begins to deplete at this age, hence making us more prone to episodes?
I had a manic episode this week. The trigger was emotional. It was potentially dangerous, but thank god, I removed myself from the situation and directed my focus elsewhere.
So many questions, so very few answers...
I am just grateful that I feel well enough to write my thoughts today.
It has been a nutzy week.
Peace.

Oblivion

2008-07-12T10:49:00.002+08:00

This post is not going to be quite a sinister as it's title might suggest. I wrote only a few days a go about exploring "Second Life".
About the darkness of virtual worlds. Well I have a confession to make. There is one virtual world that I am more than a little bit obsessed with.
This world is called "Oblivion; The Elder Scrolls iv." A video game.
I originally bought it a couple of years ago for my xbox360. I played this game for over a year before the freaking xbox died. I was devastated. I had just made it to the ranks of Arch Mage. Bugger! I f***ing love this game.
Anyway, it has been almost a year since that happened, but just a day or two ago I invested in the pc version of the game. I am so damned happy that I can slip away into this virtual world of magic and adventure once more. And being a pc game I can add all manner of cool modifications to the game.
So if I'm a bit a quiet here, rest assured, I am ok.
I've just been swallowed by the fiery jaws of "Oblivion". :-)

Focus

2008-07-09T11:18:00.002+08:00

I am trying to focus as much as possible on the things that I know fill my spirit.

Unfortunately when I am in this kind of mood, my spirit seems to be a bottomless, insatiable monster. I have a sense that things might be a bit more settled for a while, but am feeling a bit emotionless... cold. I don't like to be like this... but it happens from time to time. It is kind of like bipolar purgatory. The place between places. I know when I am here I am actually having movement, even though it doesn't feel like it. Problem is, I don't know which direction it will go from here, so I tend to be a bit fearful and overprotective of my heart, knowing it is the place where triggers have their power. This all sounds crazy... but it is true.
I feel the need to be guarded.

So I am listening to the beautiful Devendra Banhart. Setting up my new pc with programs from the old one... not sure what else I'll do. Need to stay busy, occupied. Cannot give myself too much time to think right now.

Peace.

Second Something Weird...

2008-07-05T23:17:00.003+08:00

I just went exploring for the first time in Second Life, as my internet provider offers free time there... no data usage on my account. Cool. So I had a look. It reminds me of a site I used to go to a long time ago called where everyone was some kind of creature, like sort of walking talking cats and dogs and dragons and stuff... although the technology is much groovier now. I can see why people get hooked on these sites... it is endless, but pretty boring really. Well, not boring, just not very interesting to me... something dark about virtual worlds. I'd rather escape into a good book.

I am enjoying my new computer that I have just finished paying off... I had to upgrade as my old machine was about ten or more years old and was just not coping with all my 'stuff'. It is lovely and fast and the screen is big and wide and bright... and my eyes are hurting a bit as I have spent quite a few hours setting it all up and playing a bit.

I feel kind of neutral today... a bit flat, but o.k. My partner wasn't in a very good mood tonight, so I guess I've picked up on that a bit. He went to bed early, and I really do look forward to his company when he gets home from work.

So I'm just kinda wasting time right now. Waiting for that sleepiness to start making my eyes feel heavy... must install my graphics programs so I can do some drawing.

What a boring post this is! anyway, that's all for today.

Peace.

The Resentment Talk...

2008-07-05T01:30:00.004+08:00

I have just had the resentment talk with my partner. He has been dealing with my ups and downs and round and rounds, and the day I begin to feel normal, I get the coldness, the "I've had enough...when is this going to end?" talk.

It was followed by an apology, and an "I love you."

But it happened. Again. I happened again.

When the resentment talk happens, I don't know what to say. I know what he says is true. I know what he feels is real. But I find it hard to explain that what is happening with me is also real, and much deeper than i can express or explain.

I know what I have been feeling, but there are no words that could possibly make sense to someone who has not experienced it. I know he loves me with all of his heart, as I do him. I wish I could be something else... something more normal, something he could be proud of.

But I live in this world that is secretive and hard to understand, because there are no words for it. I wish I could say something to ease his frustration, but I can't.

It is a strange and frustrating circle I live within. It probably won't ever be any different... although I have learned to push it down, to a degree.

But that in itself, pushing it down, is fuel for consequences I am not comfortable with. Somewhere there must be some kind of balance... some kind of... oh I don't even know what.

My thoughts run in circles this post. I will leave it at that.

Peace.

It's a new day

2008-07-04T10:39:00.002+08:00

Oh that title has reminded me of a song that I love... I really should listen to it, it is a 'good medicine' song. You know the one...

"It's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new life... for meeeeeeee, and I feel gooooood!!!!"

Anyway, that's the way I'll attack today. I am about to go shopping... must kill the urges to spend which I am having. The goal is to go get some wholesome, low fat foods... some fish, fruit and veg, cottage cheese etc etc. In three days of misbehaving I have regained the weight that it took me a week to lose. Bugger!!!
So todays plan is; shop, do an hour on the treadmill, spend an hour or so in the sun reading "The Chronicles of Narnia" which I have recently purchased. The Narnia book is one I read for the first time many years ago.(Many many...eeek, don't like to think numbers!)
When I read it, something magickal seems to fill my spirit... a taste of the innocence and simplicity I once knew. More 'good medicine'.
So yep... thats the plan. I feel a bit tired as my sleep was very broken last night, but I have slept. Ease back into reality. Go gentle. Stay hopeful.
Peace.

Mixed

2008-07-03T23:42:00.002+08:00

Today I have gone through every kind of emotion... from anger to melancholy, self loathing to numbness, I am tired.

There is no point in being hard on myself, like I have been today. It serves no purpose other than sending me into a downwards spiral.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I think I might sleep well tonight... without any 'little helpers'.

That is a good thing.

Tomorrow I can begin again.

The sun will rise and herald another blessed day.

Peace.

When there are no words, there are pictures.

2008-07-03T18:18:00.001+08:00

This is a collage I made today.

Why why why why why why why?

2008-07-03T13:55:00.002+08:00

God why do I do this to myself? I didn't go to bed. I polished off the freakin bottle and chatted to some freak from Germany until 6am this morning. My husbnad is not impressed. I am not impressed. I decided it would be ok to have a drink because some stupid football game was on... It is never ok. I am not ok right now.
I think I'll leave it at that for today. I feel like an idiot and also feel like I am going to throw up.
Peace.

Molly

2008-07-03T01:15:00.003+08:00

After making a comment about my girl on Bradley's page, I felt I should post a pic of my beautiful girl. She is very much my twin flame... I love her soooo much.

Ok... I'm manic.

2008-07-03T00:26:00.005+08:00

I thought I was kinda mediocre... inbetweeny. But no. I sat with my man tonight and sensed he was uncomfortable with me.
"What's wrong?" says I.
"Nothing" says he.
"No really, I know something's up... whats wrong?"
"You are nuts at the moment. Your moods are all over the shop... I just don't know what to think. Are you going to come to bed tonight?"
"Yes."
"But are you gonna stay...?"

I didn't go back to sleep this morning. I went to the shops, and spent a shitload of money. On nothing really necessary. Games... a bean bag, lots of junk food... vitamins... a fabric box that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with... alcohol.

At this point I have consumed about half a bottle of 87% proof whiskey and am thinking I'd like to finish the fucker off.

After the conversation with my love, I think I will try to sleep beside him.

Temazzies have run dry, quite frankly, I know I will be doing the night walk.

I said to my love ;

"I know I am in a weird place, but I am trying to make it work... to use the energy in a good way."

I'm not sure he was convinced.

We will see.

Peace.

Whoa... down girl, down.

2008-07-02T10:41:00.002+08:00

Last night, feeling totally hyped, I took a handful of temazapam and slept for a good 12 hours. Brilliant... maybe. Now, this morning, I feel completely retarded, stoned... and I am going to go back to sleep. Creative project on hold... drugs are bad. M'kay...?
Peace.

Gone the Writers Block... Flow The Song!

2008-07-01T17:40:00.002+08:00

Oh my god I am soooo excited. I haven't been able to write music for a long time. The writers block hung heavy over me in down time. It just wasn't happening. One advantage of the high side for me is I tend to get hell focused on creative projects. And today I WROTE A SONG!!!! Yay! It is inspired by the network of people I have found here at blogger, combined with my own experience, and I think it is going to work. I really do. The lyrics are written, the music is coming together pretty well... I am going to start recording tomorrow to get some ideas together and hopefully produce something special.
So, THANKS EVERYONE for being so honest and beautiful. Absolutely inspiring and I am so grateful and.... shut up Meggy... you are rambling.
Let's just say I am relieved that the stagnancy is lifting and their is a bit of life in the old girl yet. Once I have recorded and produced it, I will somehow upload it for you guys to hear.
Peace!!!!
oxoxoxoxox

A different kind of meditation...

2008-07-01T09:46:00.004+08:00

Metal. Heavy, in your face, bad ass heavy metal.
I watched a great documentary last night about the history of metal, and am well inspired today. It occurred to me that my metal collection isn't quite up to scratch... not enough Sabbath/Ozzy/Dio to begin with.

I was thinking about the music I listened to when I was a teen. I used to put myself to sleep every night for a long time listening to "And Justice For All" by Metallica.
I actually found it to be soothing. Even now when I listen to that album, there is something very comforting about it. I am instantly in a better mood. I automatically begin roaring the lyrics to "Blackened" like most folks would sing to "Love Shack" by the B52s. It just puts me in a good place. OK, even to me, this is a little bizarre. With lyrics saying "Colour our world blackened, blackened!", you'd think it would lead one to a darker kind of mood. Nope. Not me. I respond usually by saying something like "Fucking YEAH!!!" or just plain old "Woohoooo!!!".

Anyway, I have a bit of a quest happening right now to replace the albums I have lost over the years. And there are a lot. A shitload of 70s metal to begin with.
And I think I'll make it my music of choice for my exercise routine at home.
Don't get me wrong, I DO LOVE my techno/dance/club/house or whatever you want to call it, which is the usual choice for exercise. But there is something about metal that lifts my energy, reminds me of my own strength and my own kick ass can do anything attitude.

Music is such a fine vehicle for getting us to places (in our heads) that we want to go. Viva la Musica!!!!

Peace.

My Purple Place In Cyberspace

2008-06-30T13:36:00.004+08:00

I have spent half a day tweaking my page so it feels a bit more like me. There is still a lot I want to learn about html so I can get it 'just right', but I must say, I am feeling much more at home on my Blogger page now.

I have a tendency to go overboard with this kind of stuff, so am trying to exercise some restraint... but I'm really loving this Purple page.

I'm even considering changing my blog title to the same title as this post. It has a nice ring to it, poetic like.

EDIT: Ok, I have just 'added' the purple thing to the title. Silly really, but hey. We do what we do...

A big thank you to BP bloggers...

2008-06-30T09:31:00.002+08:00

I would just like to say thanks to all you BP bloggers out there. I am new to the idea of a blogging community. I always saw blogging as a lonely place ... but I have been exploring. And I have found some amazing,insightful, honest, beautiful and raw writing.
I can't express enough how helpful this is for me personally. I have seen, in other's words, my own story. I feel less isolated, less weird, and comforted by the honesty I have found out there. I have been inspired, and uplifted... I feel so grateful for this.

Thank you, with all of my heart.

peace.

A Beeper's Week...

2008-06-30T08:11:00.003+08:00

Well I haven't posted here for about eight days. That is good, in a way. It means I am not struggling so badly with my brain, so have not felt the need to release in writing.

I have had some really lovely days and nights in this week. Last weekend, I had some people over for dinner and a poker night. I was out of the game after two hands. Hmmm. First sign of mania creeping in. I had a lot of fun as the dealer after that, and everyone had a great time, which made me very happy. I played DJ for most of the night... played songs that no one had heard for a long time, which was fun. I have a bizarre, but very comprehensive music collection which is my pride and joy. My goal has always been to have at least one loved artist for each person that visits me, and so far I have managed to musically please every person that has visited me in quite a number of years. :-)

I have had a health check at the doctors... he is happy to let me manage things the way I have been. My blood pressure is sky high though, so have started taking another kind of BP medicine.

Saturday night just gone, I went to see one of my very favourite artists playing live at a local venue. I had a fantastic night... danced the night away, got some great video footage and a wonderful photo of me standing between two Australian rock icons, Mr Ian Moss and Mr Jon Stevens.

This night has reminded me of who I am... I feel a kind of awakening occurred.

Being on the low side of things for so many months has taken it's toll, I needed to wake up.

But then, as much as the awakening was necessary, the high side is beginning to happen all at the same time. Sleep is extremely difficult. I am sleeping, but waking up hourly and becoming quite annoyed with the whole pattern. Even temazepam isn't helping... I am reluctant to take it because my sleep is still broken even if I do, and in the mornings I feel foggy and yuck.

I know I am into the early onset of mania, but at this point am embracing it. At this point I feel like I have been raised from the dead, and am going to make the most of the energy with exercise, and creatively with some music composition and recording.

Perhaps if it lasts I'll shed those few pounds I've been meaning to.

My biggest problem with mania is not myself, but driving everyone around me crazy. Mania is relief for me, I'm not sure how other folks feel about that, but for me... as I said earlier, it is like waking from the dead. I have had some bad experiences with mania... ended up hospitalised and drugged to the eyeballs to the point of resembling a zombie, but that has been only a few occasions and usually triggered by some emotional reaction.

It's not all bad being a beeper, in fact, sometimes I feel like I am blessed to experience life in this way... good support makes all of the difference. I am lucky, I do not work. My husband supports me financially. So I have the time and space to 'feed the wolves' when they call.

My main goal at this stage is to try not to affect those around me too heavily. Hence this blog. I can say here whatever I truly feel. I don't have to burden the people who already have to live with my moods - words and whining and the blah blah blah that sometimes happens can flow freely here.

That is a true blessing.

Peace.

My beautiful man...

2008-06-20T09:18:00.002+08:00

I just sent a text message to my man to apologise for being a bad influence. Poor bugger went work this morning half drunk because of me.
"I'm sorry. It was a silly night. Hope you are ok." I said in my message.
He sent back; "It was a great night. I love you."
God I love him.

where I was and where I am

2008-06-20T02:40:00.003+08:00

I have just moved to a mining town. Previous to this, I was in the most gorgeous beach side suburb... living below the poverty line. It was a major stress...24/7. The only answer was to come to this extreme, harsh, not real friendly place.

Don't get me wrong, my quality of life has lifted. We have good food, can drink good booze... can buy most anything we need or want now. We have a house supplied as part of the deal...

But I am a long way away from my kids, my friends, my family... and a place where folks knew me. I had a place, a role... a reputation. I miss that.

I was, for fifteen years, a street musician in my old town. I miss the beautiful random connections I once could make.

Here, I am isolated.

My creative aspects are repressed.

Perhaps in time I will find my feet.

Perhaps in time this place will see me.

I am invisible here.

That is a kind of death that I have never had to deal with.

Cycling from high to low is death and rebirth in itself.

But this is something new and not nice...

This is hermitage.

I am no hermit, by nature...

Peace.

Stuff

2008-06-20T02:02:00.002+08:00

Ok so I have weakened and had a few drinks. Who woulda thunk a juice machine would be such a good tool for the drinking habit. Fresh fruit juice and vodka marry very nicely... and I am feeling like I feel I should feel all of the time.

Upside to the day... my son's success, plus I bought a treadmill and have walked quite a few kilometres to even things out. Pft. Excuses.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty lovely right now and should prolly be feeling guilty for it, but that can wait till tomorrow.

Peace.

... the flowers bloom!

2008-06-19T15:57:00.003+08:00

Well, I have four children. Two boys two girls. They live with their much more stable Dad. I have very little do do with them for various reasons, but I stay up to date through their blogs and my Mum who they are happy to talk to.

Good news from that end of life today.

My second eldest boy got into an accelerated learning class when he starts high school next year...

He has always been a strange but very clever boy. (My little mad scientist.) Now he has support and a nurturing environment for his amazing little brain.

That has made me feel good... proud.

Despite my madness, my kids still blossom so beautifully. They are all precious, clever, wonderfully creative and loving human beings.

Peace.

A bit fragile...

2008-06-19T10:08:00.002+08:00

Fragile... yep. Feeling stupid, yes also. Things seems to have a massive effect when they are quite insignificant.

I was very excited about watching the first episode of season four of "Weeds". I rearranged my whole living area so the lounges faced the computer, just for the occasion. I prepared a really yummy dinner, even put fresh greenery in a vase on the coffee table we were to eat from whilst we watched said event.

My mood was heightened for most of the day. Come the afternoon, I saw someone I knew at the front of my house, and was pleased that I was to be blessed with some company. The person didn't come in.

Kerplunk. There goes the heightened mood. It took me a good two or three hours to pull it into perspective with literal brainwashing of myself, reminding self that it was a silly little thing not to be concerned about.

When I was a kid Mum used to call me 'hypersensitive'. That used to annoy the shit out of me. "Can't I fucking feel ANYTHING....?"

I watched my hubby watching me, and without words I saw in his eyes the phrase "Oh for CHRISTS SAKE!"

In my own mind I am saying to myself "Down Meggy, down..." as I could feel the wind up of a potential snap.

I suppose the good news is, there was no snap. But I really hate being so fragile. I really hate feeling so reactive and stupid.

Anyway... needless to say, mood is not quite as positive today... a bit flat. There is a fight to keep it from slipping lower. I am quite determined to at least maintain a neutral nothingness. Still not much sleep happening.

Peace.

OMG OMG OMG.... Weeds Season 4 has begun!!!!

2008-06-18T09:04:00.000+08:00

Need I say more... patiently awaiting d/l.
:::::grins:::::::

Sleeep...mmm.... and dreams, good ones!

2008-06-18T07:03:00.004+08:00

Well three hours of sleep in one night is a step in the right direction. Good good good. I did some wandering, had a hot shower at around three a.m and managed to doze off. Yay!

And the dreams I had were peaceful, nurturing, comforting. This is unusual for me. A big part of my sleep problem is that I have anxiety about dreams. Is that weird?

When I am not traveling well, my dreams can be more exhausting and upsetting than anything else. This has been a huge problem for me. I have at times, chosen not to go to sleep because I can't cope with what I see in my dreams.

Last night I was being protected by an arabic family who told me I was connected to Mary Magdelene!!! I was a child in the dream. They were putting out all these gorgeous pastries rich with rose syrup in front of me. The simplicity of being a child was a great relief!

Anyway, three hours is good. Very good!

Feeling more positive today. Might even get a start on my exercise/weight loss goal today, and go for a bike ride. It is a beautiful morning.

Got to go with it! Hope it lasts.

Peace.

And now for something a little more positive...

2008-06-17T21:44:00.004+08:00

OK... Here is what I did this afternoon to break the hold of the dark place.

*I had a cold shower and washed with essential oils.
*I sprayed myself generously with my favourite fragrance.
*I made myself go to the supermarket to shop... I faced the world!
*I bought a fruit juicer with money I would normally have spent on bourbon.
*I bought oysters and prawns and a load of different fresh fruits, nuts and vegetables.
*I got home, made a juice with about a dozen different ingredients.
*Enjoyed a lovely seafood supper with my Love.
*Watched "Patch Adams"
*Sat under the beautiful full moon for a while just gazing dreamily.

And now... I am going to try to get some sleep. Wish me luck!

(I am feeling amazingly better!)

Peace.

up and down and inside out

2008-06-17T14:08:00.004+08:00

Okay, I am guilty of over blogging here. Need to get it out.
What I am feeling is depression, paranoia, confusion, deep sadness for no fucking good reason, I am exhausted and want to do nothing more than sleep but have raging insomnia, I am not really angry, but I am feeling dark. I want to cry but can't. I want to scream. I need release... I am feeling totally nuts. I am feeling isolated but the world is closing in on me all at the same time. I want to make music or draw or write something beautiful but all that happens is self pity, self loathing... energy like a slug overwhelms the strawberry patch that is my life force. The fruits and flowers wither away.
On the outside I am just a drag to be with. On the inside I am dying. No meds, no booze... just ugliness to deal with and try to shake off.
I want to run away but I can't escape my body or my mind.
What to do what to do....?
I am supposed to be shopping for groceries today and I just can't face anything. My husband is working 10 hours days and I am letting him down.
I am not functioning. I don't know what I am.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'll just keep writing and trying to process all this confusion.
I need relief... nothing is feeling right.

Silver Lining

2008-06-17T08:57:00.000+08:00

( I wrote this some time ago, and recorded it as a song...
it is cyclically my truth. )

Silver lining, silver lining,
is it you that i see?
For my head has emerged in the clouds
of your storm...

And the lightening is flashing,
the thunder is crashing,
yet dense and dark silence
surrounds this strange form...

The flashing light dances,
my pounding heart prances,
my body still,
my eyes dart from left to right,
avoiding glances,
no one can see,
no one can know,
they would not comprehend the ebb or the flow...

Silver lining, silver lining,
is your shape clarity...?
in this fleeting visit
am I seeing me?

The pen is to paper to escape,
nonetheless, but yes, silver lining,
I shall keep you in sight...

My thoughts are like dusk or like twilight,
at this moment,
but soon they will choose either day or night.

My thoughts are like dusk or like twilight,
at this moment,
but soon they will choose either day or night...

Silver lining, silver lining,
is it you that I see?
for my head has emerged in the clouds
of your storm...

And the lightening is flashing,
the thunder is crashing,
yet dense and dark silence
surrounds this strange form...

about medication

2008-06-17T07:55:00.001+08:00

I feel that it is important to mention my own experience and choices regarding medication. I have had almost every drug known to man forced down my throat over time.

My personal experience with anti depressant meds has been something of a nightmare.

My choice is to try to manage without, although in the same breath I will say that this choice is not best for everyone. Some people have had great success in stablising their moods and finding some normality and functionality with medication.

The things I write here are my own experiences, and by no means a source of answers for anyone except myself.

I will explore this further, but felt I should make mention this.

Please do what is right for yourself... get help if you need it.

What is right for me may not be right for you.

Peace.

so what can be done...?

2008-06-17T06:41:00.000+08:00

Well it's all good giving myself this place to whine and moan about what ails me, but perhaps I should also focus on what power I do have to change things.

Truth is, I had thrown myself into the new age community via facebook and other networking sites, and the positivity was driving me insane. In hindsight, it was probably the lack of genuine interaction that bugged me the most. But I found myself writing quite dark messages to people who were placing their faith in "The Secret" type philosophies.

Rather than be nasty to these people, I cancelled my accounts and made the decision to start this blog. I really don't want to upset anyone. I'm just in a bad place right now. So having a break from these places on the internet was probably the best thing to do.

I'm a bit too cynical to be able to absorb messages from the new age community right now.

What wasn't helping either, was the copious amount of whiskey I had been consuming. I was sitting up until ridiculous hours at night, getting absolutely loaded, and sending nasty negative messages to nice people... despite my thoughts on their philosphy

I am the process of detoxing now. Better foods, no alcohol... more water. I have pulled myself away from any influence other than my own. If only for a while.

Perhaps I will go back to the frivolity of facebook and the like, but right now I need truth. I need to find my own truth again.

I'm not even sure what that is anymore. I have been struggling to find positivity. I know that if I take care of myself... nurture the fragile mess I have become, I will begin to find my own inner light once more.

There have been many times in my life where I was looked to for inspiration and wisdom. It's gotta be there somewhere, if only hidden beneath this shell I have created. I think I have just buried it in all this change and upheaval.

So I guess that's it for now.

Cleansing my mind any body.

That can only be good... right???

Peace.

lifting the darkness

2008-06-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

Well, clearly, I haven't been all that good at knowing just how to lift a dark smothering kind of depression. I find myself drowning again, and wonder if perhaps I start keeping a blog for medicinal purposes, for release and for processing all this stuff, I might actually break on through.

It's late here, and I am tired. After tossing and turning for an hour or so, I have removed myself from bed to sit and write. I was going to draw, but couldn't muster the inspiration to come up with an idea.

I just did a google search using this search term.

Please make me laugh

I am in a new and strange place, having recently moved from the extreme East of my country to the extreme West. The little bit of relief that I found in my old home was the oceans, which was just a minutes walk away.

I am about sixteen kilometres from the water here, and do not have a car... so my strolls by Mumma Ocean are no more part of my daily life. I am lost here!

I have no friends here, and have just had quite an ugly falling out with one of my closest friends from home. She was my lifeline, and she has lost the plot. She is gone from my life.

I guess in time I will settle in here. I will find my feet and find new friends... I have always been pretty adaptable.

But I am feeling like a fish out of water right now.

This blog is my little luxury. The freedom to say all this, knowing that perhaps someone out there might read. The freedom to say all this, even if no one does read it. I just need to get this off my chest. Maybe I will become a little lighter and things get a little better, and I could muster up the inspiration necessary to write some poetry.

I hope, for myself, and any random readers, that the release happening right now might be just the medicine I need. And that the entries in this blog become a little brighter.

Peace.