And she's back... again.

Hi all. It has been forever since I have written here.
Straight up I have been in depressions and manias cycling rapidly. Mix that with the most intense alcoholic binge I have ever been on and an unhealthy addiction to the virtual world and you've got yourself a real fine mess. ie Me.
I feel the need to write because I have been hiding. In this dark hidden realm mostly played out in my fast traveling head, but ultimately affecting my home and my health in the most negative ways.
So here I am. Fessing up to myself in blogginess, on the first fews days of sanity I have had in a long time. I have been so far gone. My feet have been swollen from drinking... they are down and feeling normal for the first time in months. I should be getting some help, but as usual have this ridiculous fear of seeking it.
But I am being brave. Being gentle. Recovering on so many levels.Working on forgiving myself for a lot of fucked up shit.
It's Christmas time again. A hard time for me. But this year, my focus is on maintaining some level of sanity, of calm... of good health.
This Christmas, I want to feel alive.
Peace.

Ooooh, and one more thing!

I have taken up bellydance. Fucking fantastic.
I LOVE IT!!!
:-)))
Peace.
xxx

Long time no write...

Hi People,
I haven't written for a while. Things have been pretty good really. Nothing too crazy or 'eventful' has happened. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but not anything of note. FANTASTIC! No episodes. Yay! LOL.
I have thrown myself into learning some new techniques and styles of digital art. I am creating in 3D! Something I never thought I would get my poor lil ole brain around. It is extremely satisfying to my knowledge hungry self.
It is amazing how therapeutic the focus of creativity can be.
I hardly know myself... I have found something that satisfies both the manic and the depressed in me. Colour and light, abstract and not, I have found just the right outlet. The possibilities are as diverse as me.
Wow. I never thought it possible. I am drinking moderately, nothing too extreme. I am perhaps not doing as much housework as I should, lol, but I am feeling better than I have in a long time. And that really is something.
Peace.
XOX

Thou doth protest too much...!

Well, after a crazy last weekend, I have had a very different week. After clearly losing faith in the human race, (well some of it anyway- I must mention my gratitude for the support that has come my way also!) and having the need for distraction whilst drying out (A WEEK DRY! YAY!) I have resorted to devoting some time to finding my Second Life feet. And it has been helpful. I have managed to stay away from the booze without too much stress. Admittedly, I haven't been to the Doc's. I have a bit of a problem with actually getting to the Doc's office, have for years... much to dismay of my loved ones. I really hate Doctors. Perhaps in a delusional weird way, but it is rarely that I will actually get my ass into see one. I know I should. The thoyght has me chewing my cheeks out with anxiety.
Now, SL. Wow. There is something about SL that makes me feel certain that I have miraculously retained some of my innocence over the years. And that IS something.
I joined probably around a month ago, but have decided this week to spend some time exploring and developing my avatar into some kind of 'defined' character.
Heh. In four days my avatar has evolved from a pixely thing that resembled and overgrown garden gnome, to a glamorous young woman with the world at her feet.
What amazes me is how helpful people have been! I have been given tons of gifts from people and heaps of advice... it is kind of refreshing.
The darker side of the place presented itself to me by way of an indecent yet profitable proposal last night. I laughed my ass off.
Being the real life addictive personality that I am, I have limited myself to a certain time limited session each evening, but am definately falling into a bit of a fascination with the whole idea.
I'm not sure how I feel about this new hobby. All I can say is, it has been great distraction for me after some trauma, and I believe it has lifted me from a very lonely depression.
Hmmm. Perhaps I spoke to soon in previous posts about this?
Perhaps my instinctive wisdom about this was good guidance.
I guess it is what you make it.
I'm just grateful to have gotten through this week so well.
Peace.

Exposed....

Well so much for kinda traveling ok. It has turned into unraveling kinda badly.
Great night on Saturday night... unexpected celebrations, karaoke (I FUCKING LOVE KARAOKE...) and of course drinking.
Sunday hung over and sleeping. Contentedness with a fun birthday celebration.
Monday- race day. Psychotic drunk... major episode. Bruises, damaged house, major attention brought upon my the worst of my nutsness. Triggered by an assalut on my love.
EXPOSURE> Nobody knew about my BP until now here. Fuck.
Tuesday, Wednesday- I can't turn the TV off because I can't deal with silence without bursting into tears. Heavy heavy depression. I am missing home so badly. I have stopped crying because I'm writing, amazing. Going to the doctor tomorrow to investigate possibilty of starting meds again.
I am just not clever enough to handle this myself.
Meltdown, big time.

it's my party...

yep yep yep happy boidy to meee////\

i am fecking 36 today...

yyyyaaaayyyy

ffffff....mmm... ffff

Chant and be Happy...

OK. It's my Birthday... my Solar Return.
But despite that... the music of the Hare krisna ppl makes me happy.
yes... it drives everyone around me mad, especially since I live very different values, but let us just say, chanting hare krisna, hare hare, etc etc makes me feel very peaceful...

Colours, shapes, therapy and ... the GIMP

I am adding a new blog to my blogger account for images. I have been making a lot of them lately, so am going to put the best of them up for viewing.
Some are my own drawings, some are collages, some are just abstract expressions... all are me getting 'stuff' out and off my chest without words.

It'll appear in the next day or two.

Peace.

Green!

Kermit the Frog said, "It's not that easy, being green...", but as the song progressed he discovered that green was so many wonderful things. I have to agree... I'm kinda liking this fresh look for my blog. It makes me want to go and buy fresh limes.
Peace.

Hmmm... it might be time for Purple to sleep for a while

I'm not sure what this really means, but I am inspired to change my blog theme and colours etc. Purple doesn't seem to say what I want it to right now.
Problem is, I'm not sure where I'm going with this inspiration... or what hue might feel just right. Something totally frivolous for me to ponder.
I know it should be about the writing more than anything, but I really am a visual kind of creature. Colour is important to me.
Peace.

Awards... I am amazed, and humbled that I have been given a blogging award by Terra Incognita. I feel a bit guilty, although not really, but the only three blogs I keep track of are as follows, and they are awarded my honors... all three inspire and uplift and help me each time I read them.



Bradley

Terra Incognita
and last but not least... in fact this Lady was my introduction to the concept of a blogging "community" and is gorgeous,
Bipolar Chica

All three have touched me with their honesty and beauty of spirit.

I am so grateful to have found them all...

KISSES AND HUGS TO ALL OF YOU! EARTH ANGELS NO LESS.

Finally... the song I spoke of is recorded!

It's just a rough recording, but I think it's honest, so I really want to share.
Hope you enjoy... it's a bit kinda sad, but like I said, it's honest.

You can download and listen: Keep it if you like it.
It is called "I Wish That I Could Tell You."
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

The Lyrics:

What you see and what is real
Are not the same,
(You know) What really lies beneath
Is the truth and shame...
You know I wish that I could tell you
What's really going on,
I know it seems as though I'm here,
But I'm so far gone.. so far gone.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

Do you have a magic spell
That'll raise me from this hell...
Because I'm sinking,
And I'm fucking drinking again...
You know I wish that I could tell you
What's really going on,
I know it seems as though I'm here,
But I'm so far gone.. so far gone.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

And the next time that you see me smile,
Will you see that it's a veil?
And when I'm standing in the sunshine,
Will you see the rain and hail?
And when I run for the horizon
Will you see the cage I'm in?
I'm only hoping that I've got
the strength within me
To free myself again.

The girl you see isn't always me...

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you see what I see?
I think no, I think no way.
All that glitters is not gold,
I really need someone to hold me up today,
Coz I'm not okay.

Am I What I Think I Am....?

I am confused. I might be delusional. I might be insightful.
If I relied on the thoughts of others on this, I would be even more confused.
I know I have gifts. I also know I am fucked up and sometimes get it REALLY wrong.
I have been feeling kind of ok, but know that my ok is not an acceptable kind of ok for other folk who are in my life.
What is ok?
What is ok...?
Can I rely on my own assessment of ok..?
Can I trust myself at all...?
I should probaly see a doctor, but hate them so very much.
I wish I knew a bipolar doctor who got it.

Girt By Sea

This is the Australian National Anthem...

"Australians all let us rejoice
For we are young and free
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea:
Our land abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare,
In history's page let every stage
Advance Australia fair,
In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance Australia fair.

Beneath our radiant Southern Cross,
We'll toil with hearts and hands,
To make this Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands,
For those who've come across the seas
We've boundless plains to share,
With courage let us all combine
To advance Australia fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
Advance Australia fair."


Girt by sea

By Allen Myers

A few weeks ago, I was reading some of Frederick Engels' correspondence and came across an interesting letter. Someone was compiling a book of labour movement songs and wrote to Engels asking his advice on songs to include.

Among other things, Engels suggested including a song about Schleswig-Holstein. Schleswig-Holstein was a region inhabited mainly by Germans but ruled by the Danish monarchy, and the struggle to unite Schleswig-Holstein with the rest of Germany was part of the German national movement of the mid-19th century.

The title of the song was “Schleswig-Holstein meerumschlungen”. Even without knowing any of the words, and without knowing the musical style -- it could have been anything from a march to a folk ballad to a forerunner of grunge -- you can see it would have been catchy: “Schleswig-Holstein meerumschlungen”.

What I find really interesting about this is not Schleswig-Holstein but that little word, “meerumschlungen”. What it means is “girt by sea”.

Now I have to make a brief digression here for the benefit of overseas readers, to explain to them about “girt by sea” and the Australian national anthem.

Okay, the Australian national anthem. Australia may be the only country in the world in which not a single resident can sing all the words of the national anthem from memory.

Not even the prime minister knows them all. If you had to be able to sing the whole thing from memory in order to stand for parliament, we'd have instant anarchy.

Australia has lately adopted the US custom of making everybody stand up and sing the national anthem before every sporting event. In the US, lots of people know the words, and they sing them.

But in Australia, people mostly look sheepish and mumble a bit. They have some famous performer out in the centre leading the singing, but it's really a recording and they're lip-synching because they don't know the words either.

But everyone in Australia knows one line from the national anthem: “our land is girt by sea”. So what people sing is usually something like “mumble mumble we have Timor's oil and too many royals AND OUR LAND IS GIRT BY SEA”.

Well, obviously it was a bit of a shock, even for a new chum, to discover that Schleswig-Holstein was girt by sea a good century before Australia was. But it occurred to me that we don't talk much about being girt by sea, aside from in the national anthem.

In fact, “girt” is not a word that gets much of a workout in our everyday speech. It's the past tense and past participle of “gird”, as in “gird your loins”. I'm really not very sure how one goes about girding one's loins, but it may have something to do with wrapping a lamb chop in foil before you cook it.

Now, it's true that Schleswig-Holstein is really only semi-girt by sea, because it's also girt by Denmark and northern Germany. But there are plenty of places besides Australia that are girt by sea.

Britain is girt by sea. Ireland is girt by sea. Sri Lanka and Japan and New Zealand are all as girt as you can get, but you don't see their people singing “Mumble mumble mumble Our land is girt by sea”.

Indonesia is sort of double-girt, because it's all islands. Hell, Antarctica is girt by sea, but you don't see penguins saluting and quacking “Our ice is girt by sea”.

And why is being girt by sea any better than being girt by something else? Okay, I know about the Sydney sewage outfalls, and it's not very cheering to sing “Our land is girt by sewage”.

But when you think about it, girtness is pretty common: just about every place and every thing is girt by something. Do you hear the Swiss singing “Our land is girt by Germany, France, Italy and Austria”? You don't. Or Iraqis: “Our land is girt by American bombers”. If I have a drink, my beer is girt by me.

It might seem a little surprising that in this age of globalisation, nobody is writing national anthems about global girtness. Why doesn't somebody write “Our planet is girt by space” -- which is mostly a lot of nothing, suggesting that we ought to act as if we're all in this one place together.

There are at least two ways of looking at the sea we're girt by -- and I don't mean according to how much sewage it contains.

In the past, Australians have tended to look at our sea-girtness as a sort of highway to the rest of the world.

In recent years it's been seen more as a barricade, an obstacle that's a handy way of keeping out people who are poorer than we are. I suppose this is why the Labor government selected a national anthem with “girt by sea” in it: to make us feel threatened by all the ungirt.

Spirituality, Feeling Lost, and My Brain...

Something I haven't mentioned here yet is that I have a history of teaching. Would you believe spiritual teaching?!? Yes, it's true. I have been a student of mysticism and spiritualism since my very early teens, and once came a point in my life where I began to teach the things I had learned. I also did readings and some healing work.
Then came a time where my brain began to interfere with that work... I became extremely conscious of my history of episodes, alcoholic binges and general instability.
Truth is, they were becoming worse.
The irony is, even in the midst of madness, people were still coming to me for healing and guidance. I was a priestess, and despite my craziness, I was still trusted and admired for my work.
But I stopped. It all stopped. The dis-ease got the better of me, and I stopped trusting my own instincts, my own intuition... my own gifts.
There has been no improvement in the stability of my life. But I feel the stirrings within me that say "Meg, you should be doing the things that you are meant to do. This stagnancy and mistrust is stifling your growth."
I really am beginning to yearn for spiritual connections once again, and in reality, I am in an area where this kind of thing is greatly needed and sought after.
I feel it is time once more to start tuning in to those higher frequencies. That other world. It once gave me some comfort, some sense of meaning, a sense of place and purpose in this world.
Maybe it is time to wake up from this spiritual death. This state of merely existing. Perhaps if I begin doing the great work again, my own healing might fast track.
It is amazing and a bit silly, but when I am working with other people on this level, I feel able to 'forgive' myself for the BP dynamics in my life.
I see that others see something more in me than just the weirdness... and it feels right and good. Maybe it is time...
Peace.

Kindness... or stupidity...?

Tonight, after having a few drinks, sitting watching TV, there was a knock at the door. 1.30am in the morning. A knock.
"Who's there?"
"Sandwich"
"Who...?!?"
"Sandwich"
"Who???!"
muffled something.
So I open the door.
There is an aboriginal man standing in front of me, saying "Sandwich please?".
I live in a place where there is a large indigenous community. A pretty dysfunctional community. Alcoholism, child abuse, domestic violence... not very nice.
And at 1.30 this morning, I had a man, standing at my door, asking for food.
Now, I have been advised to not "give 'em anything... the bastards."
Umm, dilemma with that.
I am a street musician, a busker. I relied on the kindness of strangers for more than fifteen years to pay my way. I am also an alcoholic, as the man at my door obviously was. He was even more drunk than me.
But my heart said, give him something. Help him.
So I did. I gave him some food, and then said, "Fucking look after yourself man! Don't be doing this shit... fucking take care of yourself!!!"
Have I been stupid? Have I opened a door that I really don't want opened...?
I know what it is like to have no food because drink comes first. I know alcohol can make an honest man a thief.
I'm just not sure i have been wise, but I hope I have done the right thing.
"Thank you Sister..." he said.
I hope he is grateful, and that I didn't open a can of worms that I'm not ready for. I hope I have followed my heart... and my heart does not betray me. Maybe it will. I just can't stand to think of the coldness of the world, and how it has felt for me, at times. Man... this is a crazy place. I just want to do right... by the people and by my home.
Peace.

The restless years...

So I'm thinking, maybe I'm not bipolar... maybe I'm just having a really drawn out mid life crisis. Maybe I'm just broken. Too broken to fix. My 'symptoms' really didn't become so bad until I had hit my late twenties, and my first really bad episodes were early thirties.
Although I will say that as far back as 10 years old, I can recall what might have been warning signs, if anyone had been paying attention.
Truth for me personally, is that my BP really started firing up when I went through a nasty break up, family courts, and ultimately the loss of the custody of my children.
I was so devastated by the whole chain of events... including around two years prior to the split which were so difficult for me. I literally stopped functioning from that point onwards. It was then that I first sought medical help for my depression and confusion. 50 million doctors appointments later, I still haven't found a solution to this. I thought it would get better. It hasn't. It seems to be who I am now. Just something I must learn to live with.
Is it possible that one 'major' trigger can change a person's brain forever? Or was it there, dorment, just waiting to thrive in my misery?
What I notice is, in support groups I have been to, and here on the net, BP affected folks seem to be of similar ages... kinda thirty somethings and upwards.
I find myself wondering why. Why that age group? Is it the pressure of family and relationship stuff that finally frees the beast? Is there some chemical that begins to deplete at this age, hence making us more prone to episodes?
I had a manic episode this week. The trigger was emotional. It was potentially dangerous, but thank god, I removed myself from the situation and directed my focus elsewhere.
So many questions, so very few answers...
I am just grateful that I feel well enough to write my thoughts today.
It has been a nutzy week.
Peace.

Oblivion

This post is not going to be quite a sinister as it's title might suggest. I wrote only a few days a go about exploring "Second Life".
About the darkness of virtual worlds. Well I have a confession to make. There is one virtual world that I am more than a little bit obsessed with.
This world is called "Oblivion; The Elder Scrolls iv." A video game.
I originally bought it a couple of years ago for my xbox360. I played this game for over a year before the freaking xbox died. I was devastated. I had just made it to the ranks of Arch Mage. Bugger! I f***ing love this game.
Anyway, it has been almost a year since that happened, but just a day or two ago I invested in the pc version of the game. I am so damned happy that I can slip away into this virtual world of magic and adventure once more. And being a pc game I can add all manner of cool modifications to the game.
So if I'm a bit a quiet here, rest assured, I am ok.
I've just been swallowed by the fiery jaws of "Oblivion". :-)

Focus

I am trying to focus as much as possible on the things that I know fill my spirit.

Unfortunately when I am in this kind of mood, my spirit seems to be a bottomless, insatiable monster. I have a sense that things might be a bit more settled for a while, but am feeling a bit emotionless... cold. I don't like to be like this... but it happens from time to time. It is kind of like bipolar purgatory. The place between places. I know when I am here I am actually having movement, even though it doesn't feel like it. Problem is, I don't know which direction it will go from here, so I tend to be a bit fearful and overprotective of my heart, knowing it is the place where triggers have their power. This all sounds crazy... but it is true.
I feel the need to be guarded.

So I am listening to the beautiful Devendra Banhart. Setting up my new pc with programs from the old one... not sure what else I'll do. Need to stay busy, occupied. Cannot give myself too much time to think right now.

Peace.

Second Something Weird...

I just went exploring for the first time in Second Life, as my internet provider offers free time there... no data usage on my account. Cool. So I had a look. It reminds me of a site I used to go to a long time ago called where everyone was some kind of creature, like sort of walking talking cats and dogs and dragons and stuff... although the technology is much groovier now. I can see why people get hooked on these sites... it is endless, but pretty boring really. Well, not boring, just not very interesting to me... something dark about virtual worlds. I'd rather escape into a good book.

I am enjoying my new computer that I have just finished paying off... I had to upgrade as my old machine was about ten or more years old and was just not coping with all my 'stuff'. It is lovely and fast and the screen is big and wide and bright... and my eyes are hurting a bit as I have spent quite a few hours setting it all up and playing a bit.

I feel kind of neutral today... a bit flat, but o.k. My partner wasn't in a very good mood tonight, so I guess I've picked up on that a bit. He went to bed early, and I really do look forward to his company when he gets home from work.

So I'm just kinda wasting time right now. Waiting for that sleepiness to start making my eyes feel heavy... must install my graphics programs so I can do some drawing.

What a boring post this is! anyway, that's all for today.

Peace.