A Beeper's Week...

Well I haven't posted here for about eight days. That is good, in a way. It means I am not struggling so badly with my brain, so have not felt the need to release in writing.

I have had some really lovely days and nights in this week. Last weekend, I had some people over for dinner and a poker night. I was out of the game after two hands. Hmmm. First sign of mania creeping in. I had a lot of fun as the dealer after that, and everyone had a great time, which made me very happy. I played DJ for most of the night... played songs that no one had heard for a long time, which was fun. I have a bizarre, but very comprehensive music collection which is my pride and joy. My goal has always been to have at least one loved artist for each person that visits me, and so far I have managed to musically please every person that has visited me in quite a number of years. :-)

I have had a health check at the doctors... he is happy to let me manage things the way I have been. My blood pressure is sky high though, so have started taking another kind of BP medicine.

Saturday night just gone, I went to see one of my very favourite artists playing live at a local venue. I had a fantastic night... danced the night away, got some great video footage and a wonderful photo of me standing between two Australian rock icons, Mr Ian Moss and Mr Jon Stevens.

This night has reminded me of who I am... I feel a kind of awakening occurred.

Being on the low side of things for so many months has taken it's toll, I needed to wake up.

But then, as much as the awakening was necessary, the high side is beginning to happen all at the same time. Sleep is extremely difficult. I am sleeping, but waking up hourly and becoming quite annoyed with the whole pattern. Even temazepam isn't helping... I am reluctant to take it because my sleep is still broken even if I do, and in the mornings I feel foggy and yuck.

I know I am into the early onset of mania, but at this point am embracing it. At this point I feel like I have been raised from the dead, and am going to make the most of the energy with exercise, and creatively with some music composition and recording.

Perhaps if it lasts I'll shed those few pounds I've been meaning to.

My biggest problem with mania is not myself, but driving everyone around me crazy. Mania is relief for me, I'm not sure how other folks feel about that, but for me... as I said earlier, it is like waking from the dead. I have had some bad experiences with mania... ended up hospitalised and drugged to the eyeballs to the point of resembling a zombie, but that has been only a few occasions and usually triggered by some emotional reaction.

It's not all bad being a beeper, in fact, sometimes I feel like I am blessed to experience life in this way... good support makes all of the difference. I am lucky, I do not work. My husband supports me financially. So I have the time and space to 'feed the wolves' when they call.

My main goal at this stage is to try not to affect those around me too heavily. Hence this blog. I can say here whatever I truly feel. I don't have to burden the people who already have to live with my moods - words and whining and the blah blah blah that sometimes happens can flow freely here.

That is a true blessing.

Peace.