up and down and inside out

Okay, I am guilty of over blogging here. Need to get it out.
What I am feeling is depression, paranoia, confusion, deep sadness for no fucking good reason, I am exhausted and want to do nothing more than sleep but have raging insomnia, I am not really angry, but I am feeling dark. I want to cry but can't. I want to scream. I need release... I am feeling totally nuts. I am feeling isolated but the world is closing in on me all at the same time. I want to make music or draw or write something beautiful but all that happens is self pity, self loathing... energy like a slug overwhelms the strawberry patch that is my life force. The fruits and flowers wither away.
On the outside I am just a drag to be with. On the inside I am dying. No meds, no booze... just ugliness to deal with and try to shake off.
I want to run away but I can't escape my body or my mind.
What to do what to do....?
I am supposed to be shopping for groceries today and I just can't face anything. My husband is working 10 hours days and I am letting him down.
I am not functioning. I don't know what I am.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'll just keep writing and trying to process all this confusion.
I need relief... nothing is feeling right.