The Resentment Talk...

I have just had the resentment talk with my partner. He has been dealing with my ups and downs and round and rounds, and the day I begin to feel normal, I get the coldness, the "I've had enough...when is this going to end?" talk.

It was followed by an apology, and an "I love you."

But it happened. Again. I happened again.

When the resentment talk happens, I don't know what to say. I know what he says is true. I know what he feels is real. But I find it hard to explain that what is happening with me is also real, and much deeper than i can express or explain.

I know what I have been feeling, but there are no words that could possibly make sense to someone who has not experienced it. I know he loves me with all of his heart, as I do him. I wish I could be something else... something more normal, something he could be proud of.

But I live in this world that is secretive and hard to understand, because there are no words for it. I wish I could say something to ease his frustration, but I can't.

It is a strange and frustrating circle I live within. It probably won't ever be any different... although I have learned to push it down, to a degree.

But that in itself, pushing it down, is fuel for consequences I am not comfortable with. Somewhere there must be some kind of balance... some kind of... oh I don't even know what.

My thoughts run in circles this post. I will leave it at that.

Peace.